Recovery from Binges & Setbacks

If you know me in real life or just through this blog, you likely know I have a history of binge eating. I was never a purger (I tried this only twice when I was about 22 and was unsuccessful. I never attempted again), but I've been an emotional binge eater for a very long time.

One question I get asked on a fairly regular basis is "How do you recover from a binge/setback?". And I understand why so many of you ask that - if you're a binge eater (and I think most overweight people have been there on more than one occasion), you know how quickly binging spirals into what feels like a bottomless pit that you will never emerge from. You wonder "How did I ever have control of my eating?" It really feels hopeless and endless and you think you will never be in control again.

First I'll just say that I think there is a huge difference between a binge and regular overeating. For instance, during birthday week, I overindulged/overate. But it was all controlled over-indulgence. I ate more than my allotted points but it was things I planned for and enjoyed. It wasn't a binge. A binge, for me, is that horrible feeling of a loss of control, of eating just to eat, eating for the wrong (usually emotional) reasons and eating massive quantities, most often of things that are 'comfort' foods (usually for me this means sweet things, but not necessarily and not only sweet things). It's eating so much and so fast, moving from food to food that you barely know what you ate and it may even be a blur afterward where you can't even recall everything you ate.

That, to me, is a binge. And something I've done many times in the course of my life, including over the course of my journey the last 4 years.

For about a week now, I've been under a tremendous amount of stress at work. Stress and frustration were always the two biggest emotional triggers for me. Combine that stress with 1) being unable to bike ride this past Sunday - my favorite de-stressor (I was so sore from my Saturday workout I could barely move) and 2) being stuck home alone, on a beautiful summer day. It was nothing short of torture. I had wanted to bike about 50 miles but I could barely move my legs, they hurt so much. As a result of that, I ended up going to a very uncomfortable emotional place - starting to wonder if I would be alone forever, or if anyone would ever love me - and that really pushed me over the edge.

On that day, I ate an entire jar of peanut butter in about an hour for 57 points. And it didn't stop there - I ate a lot more that day - and have continued eating really poorly (and way too much) since then. I should also mention that the days leading up to that were filled with unhealthy foods and way too much food and mindless eating.

But tonight, after work, was the turning point for me. Why? Well, I guess I just had enough and wanted it to end. Tweeting about it today helped and organizing my thoughts on the train ride home helped too. For one thing, I am thankful for how aware I am of everything I do - I'm aware of every choice I've been making and I'm equally as aware of how terrible it makes me feel. Not terrible from a 'guilt' perspective - I never allow myself to feel guilty - but just physically terrible. Sluggish, tired, irritable, angry - none of the things I want to be. And I don't want to feel that way anymore. It's making matters worse - at work, in my ability to move my body, and in how I am coping mentally.

So, what am I doing to recover from this particular binge right now? How am I moving forward? In a few ways -

1. WRITE/CONFESS: I wrote this blog admitting what I've been going through. It helps me enormously to write about these experiences. Just getting it out makes it more 'real' and the accountability makes me feel better mentally. The good thing is it doesn't just help me, I know it helps many of you to see (like I tell you all the time) that I'm not perfect. And it's ok. It's more than ok, it's NORMAL. You can and will get to goal without being perfect. None of us are perfect. None of us should try to be perfect because it's unrealistic and you'll be disappointed and likely 'quit' when you get frustrated about not being perfect. Persistence, remember? Not perfection.
2. EAT: I made myself a healthy dinner (one of my most common/favorite dinners: veggies cooked in coconut oil with vegan chorizo sausage in a whole wheat tortilla) I never 'starve' myself to punish myself for overindulging/binging or make up for extra calories consumed. My body still needs protein and nutrients. Especially since I probably just consumed a lot of empty calories. I make sure to give it a real meal.
3. PRE TRACK: I'm going to pre-track the rest of the week. Something about pre-tracking gives me a mental serenity. I may occasionally deviate from what I pre-track but having it written out for me helps me greatly and for the most part I don't deviate much. I like looking forward to whatever I have written out instead of mindlessly grabbing 1 point here or 2 points there.
4. I am reminding myself how truly physically awful I have felt the last few days while my eating has been out of control. I have been sleeping like crazy (I was in bed at 9 on Friday & Saturday because I ate so much) and I feel it with every movement - I feel sluggish and my clothes are already noticeably tighter. I do not like this feeling. I do not want this feeling and I do not want it to continue. I also remind myself that no taste and no food is worth all the physical and mental repercussions of those calories.
5. I tell myself that I didn't come this far to slide back into my old habits long term. I didn't do all this work and achieve everything I did just to turn around and gain weight back. I'm fine with normal daily fluctuations at the scale, but putting actual weight back on is just not an option for me.
6. GOAL/LIFETIME STATUS! Along those lines - obviously I want to be within my goal weight range when I do my October weigh in (so I don't have to pay) and I think I've already exceeded it. If not, I'm dangerously close to exceeding it. I will get this in control for my next weigh-in.
7. POSITIVE SELF TALK! I use this Tool for Living all the time, but especially in situations like these. I remind myself how far I've come, how much I've accomplished, how I am a role model and now a lifetime member. I remind myself that I have the power and control over the food. It does not control me. I remind myself how great it feels to be on plan and eat the correct amount of food (it feels physically so much better) and I remind myself that my body is amazing and should be respected by me treating it kindly and giving it what it needs - not what my emotions tell it it wants. I tell myself I'm strong and awesome and I'm worth it. 
8. I am going to remind myself of something great my first leader used to say "If hunger is not the problem, food is not the solution" I love that saying. And it's so true. My problem right now is not hunger - it's stress and loneliness. And the food is not going to solve my problems at work or love me. It's only going to compound the problems with new problems.

That's my plan to get back on track. And I feel really good about it. In fact, just having a plan makes me feel better already. I haven't eaten anything since the 7 point bag of pretzels I tweeted around 3pm until just now - my healthy dinner I described above. The best part is I didn't feel like I was 'fighting' with myself to not eat. I felt good again. In control. That's the best feeling possible.

And yes, I'm fully aware that work will suck tomorrow (and for the next few weeks) and yes, I'm still painfully aware of the fact that I'm alone. But I can't use food as a drug to get me through that. It's not going to help. I know that. And I know I have the power to reject it. I'm not going to turn to it for a comfort it cannot provide. I will use it for its intention - to fuel my body and keep me alive. I will not allow it to seduce me.

So remember this, if nothing else: A binge or any setback - regardless how long it lasts or how off-plan you stray is just that - a setback. Accept that setbacks *will* happen. On occasion and forever. All that matters is you get up and keep going. You have to realize that at any moment, you can get back on plan. And the sooner you do it, obviously the better; it will minimize any long term effects - weight or bad habits - from creeping back on and in. Remember that every single choice you are presented with after a not-so-great choice is a chance to move forward, a chance to choose better, a chance to just get back up and start over. You don't need to wait for the next week, the next day, or even the next meal - every choice counts. And every choice is a chance to choose differently and better. Every choice counts. Remember that. You just have to choose as well as possible as often as possible.


And before I go, because I think it's funny... On Saturday, I picked up my "Miss Pin Up 2010" trophy from Park Slope. It's an *actual* trophy, which I think is just hilarious! (The only other trophy I ever aquired is for "Idiot Girl Princess of Fine Coiffure" from Laurie Notaro, which is also pretty funny.) Here I am accepting the trophy in the store -

Tomorrow I will do my weekly accomplishments/what I'm working on blog but there likely will not be a weekly meeting topic blog since I missed tonight's meeting and probably won't have a chance to attend another this week.

Good night! :)
xo