The Emotional Effects of Reaching Goal Weight

I started writing this post two months ago but never finished. This topic It seems especially relevant now, so it feels like the right time to finish it and post it-

Lately I've been in a really rough place emotionally, as most of you know, and it's been very difficult on me. In fact, I have been turning to food. I'm not proud of it and I'm not happy about it, but it's true. And when I weigh in November, I will be over goal weight and have to pay. I don't want to stay where I am right now, in this place, because I feel absolutely awful - mentally and physically. And I'm doing what I can to pull myself out of it. I know I will and I'm hoping sooner rather than later. Right now I should be at my Weight Watchers meeting, but I am not, because I am in no mood to be around people. I am too angry and upset. And to make matters worse, I am comforting myself with beer & fries.

After reaching goal weight, I was thinking about what it meant to be *at* goal weight - how I felt different, what kinds of changes I was noticing or becoming aware of. Aside from the most obvious - the changes to how my body looks and moves - there was a much greater change that I was aware of: what I was going through mentally...

Now, I noticed and have written throughout the journey that a great deal of the weight loss/healthy process is mental - how we feel about ourselves, how we respect and treat our bodies, how we think about and use food, how we deal with our emotions - all of those thoughts impact our behaviors, and as I've pointed out all along, it's those behaviors that ultimately affect our weight and what we look like. So in order to change physically, you first have to change mentally.

By first changing our thinking, we can change our behaviors/reactions to food and situations, and by changing our behaviors, we change our bodies (and yes, that number on the scale). But I really believe it has to happen in our head first. And it's why I tell people to change their thinking - focus on their choices and behaviors (not the scale). It's why I think weight loss, or any change, is a mostly mental game.

And being at goal weight was no different - it was very mental.

At goal weight, something pretty significant dawned on me - I realized that, for the first time ever, I no longer had my weight to hide behind. In fact, by shedding the weight, and suddenly being at goal - being the smallest I've ever been - I felt much more vulnerable - because I was suddenly so exposed. By getting to goal weight, I no longer had that excuse - the excuse of my weight. And I was left to face everything I spent years suppressing, avoiding or distracting myself from when I was abusing food.

Because when the weight comes off, all of those things we were hiding from or avoiding are *still* there. All of those things we tried to hide from or shield ourselves from, all of the things we were afraid of, all of the things we protected ourselves from, all of those things we suppressed with food for however long - they are all still there and now, suddenly, they need to be dealt with.

So it occurred to me that in a lot of ways you're not just shedding weight or fat, you're shedding yourself, your identity - to yourself and others. You're allowing yourself to be seen for possibly the first time. I realized that I was no longer 'the fat girl' I was just ME for the first time. And I could no longer use my fat as an excuse - an excuse for not going out, or for not having a relationship, or for not running, or for not trying new things.

That also got me to thinking - I would guess that a great majority of severely overweight people are food abusers - people that not only 'eat too much' but that use food as a drug (I know I fall into this category). People that use food to mentally check out - to avoid things, to distract ourselves, to numb ourselves - and that weight we accumulate as a result acts not only as a barrier to keep other people away but we use it to prevent people from getting to know the real us. We use it to prevent ourselves from doing things. We use it to tell ourselves we "can't" do certain things. We use that weight to hide from life and things that are too painful or terrifying to deal with. I know I did.

My fat, even though I hated it, was a security blanket and I used it to keep me a prisoner in many ways. But at goal, it was no longer there for me to use as an excuse. Once I reached goal weight, I had to acknowledge it wasn't my weight all along that kept me from things - it was my insecurity, my extreme self consciousness or my fear of failure that prevented me from doing those things. All the things I put off or told myself I couldn't do because I was too fat, well, now I have to face the fact that the fat might have had little to do with it. The fat was a nice little insulated bubble of protection; a convenient excuse that prevented me from doing anything I didn't want to deal with.

I don't think I ever expected my life to become 'fixed' when I got to goal, but I did used to think that life would be easier at goal. Then I got to goal and saw that I was wrong - it wasn't easier. And I learned that not much changed other than the size of my body and clothes. Everything else that was an issue before is still there, clearer than ever, and I had to work on it or at least face it. And I'm not going to lie - it's terrifying.

So that's where I am now - left to figure out how to deal with so many things I avoided for so many years. And right now, I'm not handling it very well...