When I got to my WW meeting tonight, I was weighed in by my leader. I like that she reads my blog now because she has way more insight into my thoughts and my journey and knows far more than she would from just my attendance. (I really don't talk that much in the meetings.) She knows that the last few weeks were rough for me and after she weighed me in, she asked me how I was doing. I told her I was definitely doing better than I had been, but am not great. I haven't fully recommitted yet (I'd estimate I'm doing 40% of what I would like to be doing). She told me my weight was up at the scale (I wasn't surprised) and then we talked. I took in everything she said. It all made so much sense. And she actually gave me a few great strategies for this week that I'm going to use.
She helped me - when it didn't even occur to me to ask her for help (more on this below).
While at the scale, telling her where I am mentally, I admitted something to her something that only dawned on me today while I was doing my 112 flights of stairs (I do a LOT of thinking on the stairs). I actually figured out what triggered my binge a few weeks ago. And just telling her the cause - admitting it out loud - made me cry instantly. I will share it with you all, but it really needs its own blog, so you'll have to wait a few days.
When I sat down and saw what tonight's meeting topic was, I was emotional all over again. It was about friends, and asking for help - something she had just done for me, but I never would have asked for.
We talked about how friends are helpful along our journey, how beneficial they are and how important their support is. They can motivate us, inspire us, keep us in check, give us new ideas, discover new foods or activities with us, or even just be a shoulder to cry on or an ear to vent to. They can empathize. They can sympathize. They can celebrate our successes with us and help pick us up when we fall down. They understand what what we are going through and it's comforting to know they are there for us.
Though the meeting centered around friends and help, I have to admit, I do not relate to either concept very well. Let me explain:
1- I *do* currently have people in my life I would consider friends but that has only happened in the last 4 or 5 years. And I have never had a best friend. In fact, for most of my life, I did not have friends at all. I spent the majority of my life alone. Literally, alone, in my room, doing "weird stuff" (as my Mom would say - you know - reading sheet music and playing instruments, drawing, or organizing stuff. Normal stuff kids with no friends do.) In fact, I am still that person: Alone, in my room, doing "weird stuff". And to be honest, with my limited friend experience, I know I'm not a good friend. I'm used to putting myself first because I never had to consider anyone else, and I still do that. I never consider anyone else's feelings before mine. And as surprising as this may sound, for as much as I share on my blog/online, I keep a lot of stuff to myself. I only allow people to get so close to me (in real life and online) and then there's a wall they hit and I don't give them any more. I don't let them get any closer. I guess that's how I always protected myself and to be honest, I'm not sure that will ever change.
2- As for help, being what I would call fiercely independent (probably from being alone most of my life), I have to admit, I have a lot of trouble asking *anyone* for help for any reason. Not only do I not like admitting I need help, but it usually doesn't even occur to me to *go* to anyone for help. I feel like I should be able to figure out everything on my own, because that's the way I've always done things. I had no love or support from my family and I had no friends so what other choice did I have? I relied on myself. For everything. And became the person I am today as a result.
That being said, my WW journey has been one of the few times in my life that I realized and admitted that I *do* need help. I obviously cannot do this alone or I would have. Long ago. I do get a lot of support from the meeting, from the program, from all of you, and from my new leader, Melanie. And though it's hard for me to admit it, I do need all of that. I tell people all the time that I wouldn't be where I am today if it were not for Weight Watchers and if not for the meetings. I know they have been crucial to my success. I guess it's just good I realized that or who knows where I'd be today.
So thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to all of you who listen to me. In person, or by reading my words. Thank you for our ideas, your suggestions, your input, even your offers of help (many of which I will never accept). But I do appreciate it. And thank you, Melanie, for that hug tonight. You have no idea how much I needed that. I'm so thankful you're my new leader and I can't wait to have you hand me my lifetime award. We're gonna do it together. :)
What did I accomplish this week?
- I finally got on the Wii after 3 weeks of avoiding it. I even let it tell me I gained 8 pounds and that I'm "overweight!". I seriously hate that stupid machine. What I really dislike is that it takes SO LONG between exercises, and all the stupid shit the 'trainers' keep saying to me. I wish I could streamline it so it goes from exercise to exercise and make them shut up. I'm not sure how much more I'll put up with it.
- I journaled about half the week. Obviously not as much as I wanted to do, but more than the previous week, so that's progress.
- My 8 pound weights aren't fatiguing my muscles fast enough, so I ordered new 10-pound weights for my Total Body Conditioning class .
- Speaking of: I had such a great Total Body Conditioning & Pilates class this weekend that my hamstrings and ab muscles were *killing* me till last night. I really worked them to their max and it felt great.
- I ordered a medicine ball to use as my desk chair at home (instant core workout). And if I can adapt to it/like it, I'll get one for work too.
- Despite my inconsistent eating, I'm really proud to say that I still use the stairs at work all the time & walk the escalators at work and in Grand Central - even if I'm with William (and he takes the elevator) and even if I'm not pressed for time. I remind myself that I *can*. And I *will*.
- I did my 112 flights of stairs again today (my new distance record) with my 2 pound weights. Here I am before:
showing off my left hip (my favorite of my two hips):
and after (I was a super sweaty mess!)
- I worked out 6 of the 7 days including running, like I said I would (that was a huge accomplishment since I had put it off for a few weeks.) Here's my activity spreadsheet for the week:
- Journal, obviously. And along those lines, try something my leader suggested to me tonight (I'm not mentioning it here)
- Plan two long bike rides for this Saturday and Sunday when the weather is supposed to be great. And use them as my 'bike therapy' time.
- Weigh myself daily @ home, including my full weigh in on Saturday (I've been avoiding the scale). Also, take my measurements and record them.
- I have 3 nights of socializing in a row. I will handle them by planning my day around them as much as possible (eating less throughout the day/getting in my produce & good health guidelines) and I will journal ahead of time (at least the # of points I am willing to use for the events, even if not the actual items).
Before I go, let me do a few thank yous/shout outs. If I didn't put your link here, it will be coming soon. Thank you to these bloggers:
- Katie @ Fit Living Daily
- Jenny @ This Chunky Chick
- Alyssa @ The Lush Life of Kitty Kibuty
- All Things in Moderation
Lastly, I have plans Wednesday through Friday night which means I will not be blogging again until this weekend, the earliest. But considering it's supposed to be beautiful weather, and I will be out on my bike, I can't say when for sure. This is just a warning since some of you grow concerned and email or text me when you don't see anything for a few days. I do appreciate it, but no need for concern. This time. :)
Have a terrific week everyone!